Predator Unmasked
Predator Unmasked
What do you think, Feed Back Please?!?
Can Some one give me feed back on this poem. What do you think? Anything I should change or improve on? What does it tell you?
In A World Of Despair And Dread
In a world of despair and dread
Sitting just wishing she was dug into her bed
Watching the colors fade
Waiting for another wrong turn to be made
In a world of despair and dread
Now she wants to do something instead
Sword against the stone
Knowing she is fighting alone
She wants someone to tell her something she doesn't know
A way to win, A way to go
In a world of despair and dread
She unmasks the predator ahead
The flames rise and the battle begins
She realises it is impossible is and now it is her end
She held her life as if it were magic
Then she was transformed as vitality arose
She won the battle that she had chose
Now she knew of her time ahead
She could rest in peace not despair and dread
Thanks! =)
i'm not a big fan of neuvo rhymed poetry. a lot of people denature their work by trying to force it into a rhyme pattern it doesn't need.
the repetition of the first line in the first 3 stanzas is good, if you go much over that it gets annoying, but by limiting it you give contrast to and draw attention to the first line of the last stanza. (i would change the name of it, by giving it the same name as the repetitive line you're going a little bit over.~and i thought the final 'despair and dread' was a little too much.)
the structure you're starting off each stanza with is iambic quatrameter. (8-9 syllables with a bump-bump type beat.) this is great for setting up a cadence with your poem, but if you want to carry the cadence throughout, try to get each following line to have similar structure. by contrast, you can indicate an abrupt change of tone, misstep or stumble by having one or two lines that break the metromonotone.
i thought that the extra line in the second stanza threw it off a little. it would probably work better with stanzas of 4-5-4-5 lines each, or alternately (lit) add an extra stanza to give it a 5-4-5-4-5 structure. with this type of structure you could limit the use of your key phrase to the odd numbered stanzas, and to give it symmetry, the 1st line 1st stanza, 3rd line 3rd stanza 5th line 5th stanza.
in short, you've got something worth working on here. don't give up on it regardless of what anyone else says.
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Predator Soundtrack - Predator Unmasked
